How IFS Affects Parents + Having Children

I have noticed over the years that I hear a very similar story from a lot of my clients: that they had thought of themselves as very mentally tough and self-sufficient for most of their lives. Or, if they had some psychological difficulties, they saw them as minor issues that could be managed with some simple medication and coping skills… until they had children. 

Having children changes the stakes.

There are many ways of thinking and acting that help people get by and seem relatively harmless, until you start thinking about, or even seeing, your own children imitating them.

And those ways of thinking and acting often seem like pretty insignificant habits or quirks that you could easily change, until you actually try. 

This can be a very distressing moment for a lot of parents.

It can bring up a lot of fear and shame, but it is in fact an extraordinary opportunity. There is no group of people that I have seen make more rapid and dramatic progress in psychotherapy than parents of young children.

It really just comes down to motivation. 

Thinking about childhood trauma is, obviously, very unpleasant, and no one does it without a good reason.

It often takes having children of their own before people really grasp the way that their own childhood experiences have shaped them, and they then develop a real sense of urgency to resolve their own trauma so they don’t pass it on to their children. People in that highly motivated, urgent state of mind don’t shy away from difficult topics and intensive therapy, so they are some of my favorite clients to work with and they often get the best results from the therapy process.